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No, I’m Not Pregnant, but Since You Ask…

September 7, 2011

It could be worse. People could keep asking me if I’m pregnant because I look pregnant. I don’t, and I proved it today, when the cooler weather allowed for the reappearance of my best jeans. People ask me if I’m pregnant because, let’s face it, I’m begging them to ask. I use my Facebook page to promote a blog about conception. I use “pregnancy” in a lot of titles. I belong to online communities composed largely of mothers. I get it. But here, for everyone who hasn’t seen me in a while, is a photo of just how not pregnant I am:

Is There a Baby in There? Nope. Not Yet. See? Still Skinny!

I even added a dreamy filter effect to celebrate the dreaminess that is my pre-pregnancy waistline. (That’s for all of those dreamy baby photos I keep seeing. So there, friends with adorable infants!)

But seriously, I wanted to share this story as a tribute to my marriage:

The baby fever stuff started awhile ago; I don’t remember how long ago. It seems like forever. But at one point, I asked my (then) new Connecticut therapist if she wanted to meet Nathan, to put a face to his name. The three of us ended up talking about my baby daydreams and Nathan’s reluctance to engage with them; he didn’t want to get my hopes up. I knew that it would be awhile before we could practically consider having a child. But he is careful with my feelings, this husband of mine. My therapist had an excellent suggestion, and we agreed to meet back in her office in one year. By then, I thought I could safely taper off my medication and we could be a little more settled, financially. Nathan agreed.

Early next spring, then, we will meet in her office again. We will discuss whether we are ready to start trying for a baby. If we decide that we are not, we will set a date, about three months later, to return and discuss the choice again. The idea, here, is to create a safe space to discuss this delicate issue. We don’t exactly need a mediator, but when I have my heart set on something, a calming influence really can’t hurt. It limits the discussion to an hour. I don’t expect that any surprises will come up; we’ll both know the answer, going in. If the answer is “not yet,” I will need to limit the number of times I allow myself to talk around the circle of reasons why we should wait. If the answer is “yes,” then I’m sure Linda will have plenty of questions for both of us.

I see this as a tribute to the kindness of my spouse, and to his patience with me. If we did not have so much kindness, or if we loved each other less, this year of waiting might be a strain on our relationship. We are able to enjoy each other and our quiet life together. I can honestly say that lazy weekend mornings are sweeter, knowing they might end some time next year. I love that we have all this time to know each other, and our partnership, before making such a big change. No one ever really knows what happens inside a couple’s life together, except the two who share that life, but their children do see an awful lot. I don’t mind holding on to the smaller secrets of our marriage a little longer. They are precious and ordinary, sweet and complex, small and important. I love you, Nathan.

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