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Too Soon to Cry Mercy? I Want My Medication Back!

September 10, 2011

“I have no talent for certainty.” Jane Austen

It’s been eight days since I tapered my morning dose of Klonopin from 1.5 mg to 1 mg, and it’s been eight days since I had a good night’s sleep. I wake up soaked from night sweats with a jaw clenched so tightly it aches all day. Sometimes I sleep for twelve hours, sometimes for four. I dream about looking for some lost thing or person, but I never know exactly what I am looking for. My nights are full of problems with solutions that seem just out of reach. I just want to go back to eight hours. I want to fall asleep at 10:00 pm and wake up at 8:00 am again. I want to stop grinding my teeth so hard I’m afraid to knock out a filling.

For the first few days, I thought I just had to tough it out. But when I don’t get enough sleep, I get migraines. Understand this: I do not remember ever getting regular, consistent sleep until my early twenties. I remember watching the clock tick past ten, eleven, even midnight, as a child in grade school. (This is a classic sign of childhood anxiety, by the way.) Regular sleep was the first change that helped my anxiety, outside medication. I want my sleep back!

I’m not sure what to do, except ask my psychiatrist if this will end soon. Maybe I need a sleep aid to get me through this time. Maybe we need to make some other change to my medication. But I’m discouraged. I just didn’t see this coming. I expected harder days; I didn’t expect to feel lucky that I only had one migraine in over a week of terrible sleep. I didn’t expect to fall asleep with the kids I babysit in the middle of the day. [For the record, I wake up at the tiniest noise if I'm babysitting. R (18 months) threw one little teddy bear out of his crib, and the sound woke me up.] I didn’t expect to be baking scones at 3 am and watching Dr. Who. Everyone knows that’s a daytime activity!

Brown Butter Scones, with Teff, Whole Wheat, Oat and So Much Butter.

In the meantime, I think today I’ll go for a very long bike ride and hope that wearing myself out physically helps. Any other suggestions?

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. william wallace permalink
    September 10, 2011 9:03 pm

    Your problem is not medication / but your lacking meditation.

    If I can explain a little. The aim of human life is reaching it’s
    ultimate experience /// that of enlightenment. With each life
    one gains a growing in spiritual understanding as / spiritual
    experience /such gain in a life is entered into ones spiritual
    account / such spiritual account can’t be lost / stolen /ones
    spiritual account is carried life unto life unto life unto life…..

    Your problem is your consciousness is totally in the material
    thus your diet lacking in spiritual experience / understanding
    which for you is source of problem /as your need of spiritual
    is but to match your spiritual stage // thus your imbalance is
    as will cause ongoing concern / giving an variety of physical
    mental problems ( though in most /its mental problems face).

    Please understand in saying spiritual need / such nought to
    do with the church religious ideas beliefs as such nonsense
    spiritual experience is reality //religious ideas beliefs fantasy
    thus don’t get the two confused /they are very very different.

    Question How does one deal with your ( spiritual problem ?
    your poor mental health /side effects of spiritual problems.

    On PC search put ( words of peace ) on site a selection of
    videos in which Prem Rawat talks / explaining of meditation
    the turning of the senses inward in an unfolding upon ones
    spiritual self bringing very practical spiritual experience / in
    bringing clarity of understanding. Not IDEAS. Not BELIEFS.
    Not of some heaven beyond the clouds / but very practical
    spiritual experience in one not believing but knowing truth.

    At your present time with your mental state in mind. / Your
    need not of immediate meditation /but that of relaxation in
    easing your mental state. Allowing the more relaxed state
    will come about by listening to the videos your finding on
    ( words of peace ) such ( improving your mental state) in
    giving some relaxation. // At an later date when ready one
    can start the meditation programme // thus via meditation
    have direct spiritual experience / from source of creation.

    Thus as began you need not medication / but meditation.

    • September 10, 2011 9:26 pm

      Congratulations! You’re my first commenter to piss me off. Just to show you how completely you don’t know me, I’ll share this little tidbit: I was raised meditating, in a church just full of great, wise, people (Self-Realization Fellowship). Here is what I find insulting: your crackpot idea that if I just tried harder I’d meditate better and be calm, or in other words, that I could think and breath my way out of an inherited medical condition. Oh, and by the way, you’re insulting Prem Rawat by implying that the peace he advocates has anything to do with advocating that people stop taking their medication. Go and get a medical degree before passing out condescending advice about meds. I hope that one day soon you understand that watching videos is nothing compared with the companionship available in true meditation, when the seeker is focused on her own path. I lean on my Guru and need his help, but it’s my job to act, too. We have an affirmation that I have found very helpful, and perhaps you’ll consider this next time you want to shoot your mouth off by talking about something you ought to experience on the inside: “I will reason; I will will; I will act. But guide Thou my reason, will and activity to the right thing that I should do.” –Paramahansa Yogananda, Scientific Healing Affirmations

  2. william wallace permalink
    September 11, 2011 12:09 am

    Anne-Marie / I am not going to tell you to keep taking the medication
    when I know its doing far more harm than good. /I don’t wish having a
    relationship with your mind / but your heart. I don’t advise your giving
    your time unto religions where your preached lies deceit. I advise you
    see a church as what it is a nest for vipers / whom destroy innocence.

    Your need is of truth / your heart thirst for such // your soul cry’s out
    unto the Almighty / whom in love comes in answering unto your need.

    Anne-Marie / In main it a reality / no matter the words / if your thirst is
    not great enough you shall not venture to the well to drink your need
    to quench the thirst of your soul. Thus it may dance freely in the light.

    However the Almighty reaches out a hand in your calling / such your
    choice in taking or refusing. / In taking you will be encouraged on an
    path of enlightenment. / In refusing then you’ll return unto that which
    in having always failed in the past. / Yet your fear of letting go of that
    which your having only known is understandable / thus is forgiveable.

    • September 11, 2011 12:15 am

      I’m all for free speech, but you’ve insulted me (and my church) enough. You “know” nothing about medicine at all, and that’s quite obvious. As for spiritual matters, you take your path and I’ll take mine. I’ll be deleting any future comments from you. You are clearly just an ugly troll.

      For any other readers: it is very dangerous to simply stop taking prescription medication. If I were to suddenly stop taking Klonopin altogether, I would get physically very ill. Again, NEVER stop taking a prescription medication without consulting a medical professional.

  3. September 11, 2011 3:47 am

    There is more to life than meta-physicality. You white-washed hippie. Idealism is pretty and romantic,but strangles the happiness of real people. Some things are shitty beyond human control/influence, and the subjectivity of the human experience makes ADVICE on the whole pretty much useless and should be filtered out in most cases

  4. william wallace permalink
    September 11, 2011 6:43 am

    Anne-Marie / Your having every right to delete any comment made
    should such be agreeable with present state of thought processing.

    However in closing your eyes ears to reality is not helping situation.

    Of course there are people whom need and should use medication
    such is not in dispute // thus your sweeping statement unmeasured.

    An greater reality drug companies have yearly turnover of $billions
    the far greater percent of such come from the prescription of drugs
    that are unnecsessary // more so in the treatment of mental health
    where victims are not only taking drugs / that have little to no effect.

    In taking such drugs // brings on physical problems // where victims
    end up taking on a wagon load of physical problems in which many
    can be serious unto an extreme// into such a pit of corruption many
    falling are now also children // whom’s parents convinced their child
    should be placed on drugs // where the reality the child is but going
    through a normal course of brain development /where the last thing
    they need are prescription drugs / which damage their development.

    People believe that being given a drug is the cure / thus this played
    upon / where the reality the body is a great self healer in given time.

    The medical profesions overun by charlatons/ fraudsters &cheats
    whom profit from appalling abuse of very very vulnerable soul’s ….

    As do religious organization in having yearly turnovers of $billions
    selling a place in a fictional heaven paradise /somewhere beyond
    the clouds /once again the poor victims numbered in their millions.

    • September 11, 2011 10:19 pm

      You’re done, troll. You can quit putting in the effort (or lack thereof… it’s hard to tell if you’re trying too hard or not hard enough with the English language) of commenting here. Find someone else to bother.

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